December 29, 2003

Good evening, and welcome to 'All Is Lost'

What a loss the death of Michael Kelly was. Pejman just linked to this column from 11/2001, which is still hilarious and painfully true.

Good evening, and welcome to 'All Is Lost,' the nightly public affairs program produced by National Public Radio and the British Broadcasting Corp. Tonight we discuss what has been called America's war against terror. I am your host, Perfectly Modulated Voice of Reason.

"With me, in our Washington studio, are: Fabled Newsman Who Was There When Saigon Fell . . . Scientifically Trained Impartial Scholar . . . and Bureau Chief of Second-Rate Regional Monopoly Newspaper Who Is Desperate to Be Hired by the New York Times. From London, we are joined by our European affairs analyst, Loathes America and Prays for Its Swift Destruction....

[there is a long description of splendid news, with rebellions toppling islamist regimes in Iraq and Iran and Afghanistan, and Bush presented with Osama's head on a pike]

...."Gentleman, given all this, the question is obvious -- Is there any reason to even go on?"

Chorus: "No . . . no . . . utterly hopeless . . . doomed . . . repudiation of entire U.S. strategy. . . . A colossal failure . . . no hope."...

...Perfectly Modulated: "Fabled Newsman, what says the view from inside the Beltway?"

Fabled Newsman: "Been there. Best and brightest. Tet. Vietnamization. No light at the end of the tunnel."

Perfectly Modulated: "And would you go so far as to say . . . "

Fabled Newsman: "Yes. Absolutely: Quagmire. Quagmire. Quagmire. Quagmire. Waist deep in the Big Muddy. Quagmire."

Perfectly Modulated: "Desperate to be Hired by The Times, what's your take?"

Desperate to be Hired: "Whatever Fabled Newsman said goes double for me. With bells on. You bet. Count me in. Ditto."

Perfectly Modulated: "Now let's go to our European analyst, Loathes America, for the insight from over there. Loathes, what is the mood of Europe tonight?"

Loathes America: "Bleak, of course. And properly so. I mean, one does not wish to say that this debacle is what America deserves for its arrogance, its vulgarity, its bullying ways -- well, actually one does wish to say it, doesn't one rather? Really, one just hates America. Really, one always has, ever since one was just a little chap."

Perfectly Modulated: "Thank you, Loathes America. A valuable insight as always. Gentlemen, last thoughts?"

Scientifically Trained: "Things could hardly be worse."

Loathes America: "Nonsense. That Pollyanna optimism so typical of you naive colonials. Things could always be worse. And will be. Thank G-d."

Fabled Newsman: "Quag . . . "

Desperate: " . . . mire."

Perfectly Modulated: "And that wraps up another edition of 'All Is Lost.' Good night, and pleasant dreams.

Posted by John Weidner at December 29, 2003 8:18 PM
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