Today's riddle...

From my daughter...

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the ends of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

Today's joke...

The friend who sent this was in the same second grade class as I. We didn't become pals until we were in the memorable Mrs Cunningham's fourth grade class...

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

A joke I liked...

I copied this from Donald Sensing ages ago, and then lost it in the trackless immensity of my stack of stuff...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

An Army joke, from my son...

The Army has an unofficial policy for winning hearts and minds... Two to the heart and one to the mind!

Just cuz it made the Weidners laugh and laugh...

(From Moonbattery)

Who could not be charmed?

Charlene often wanders the labyrinths of eBay. (Someone has to do it.) And often finds the language of the Empire used in odd ways by those on the periphery. Some Japanesian...

This is a tray of Japanese wooden ware. This was made about 40 years ago.
Such a tray is mainly used in green tea of middle grade SENCHA.
Social status is high and a SENCHA tool is very popular.
This is made very well and has a very good work. The shape is very good, too.
I do not know what wood this is. But this is hard and heavy quality wood anyway.
This is the high-class tea-thing tray seriously made by the specialist.
Please purchase at this opportunity, and add to your tea utensils collection.

Anything for the cause...

Scientific revolutions... mockery is the best remedy

"We don’t allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here," said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

(From Michael Potemra , at The Corner)

The Onion knows all, tells all...

Political Pundits Surprisingly Good At Getting Inside Mentally Unbalanced Shooter's Head — The Onion - America's Finest News Source:

...NEW YORK—According to media analysts, the nation's TV commentators and political pundits have proved uncannily accurate when describing the deeply disturbed inner thoughts of accused Arizona gunman Jared Loughner. "It's strange, but when it comes to getting inside the mind of this human being who seems to possess no empathy, sense of morality, or hold on reality, and who is motivated only by personal animus and self-glorification, the nation's major political pundits have been amazingly adept," said Horizon Media analyst Bob Cullen, who has studied extensive tape of commentators on all major TV news programs and found their remarks on "what the killer is thinking" to be consistently thorough and detailed across the board. "It's almost as though they have some way of knowing, firsthand, exactly what this demented and highly dangerous individual with the eyes of millions upon him is going through." Researchers at Horizon Media also reported that a number of prominent TV pundits appeared to be mimicking the exact same chilling gleam in Loughner's eye for what they could only speculate was "dramatic effect."...

Everyone must pay their fair share...

Matthew Hoy: The Next Individual Mandate:

The Obama administration today announced plans to require all Americans to purchase automobile insurance or pay a fine.

"For too long, passengers, pedestrians and people taking public transportation have been able to take a free ride on drivers across the country, driving up insurance premiums for everyone – this must change," announced President Barack Obama at a news conference as Attorney General Eric Holder and Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius stood at his side.

The Obama administration said that all Americans – including those that do not or cannot drive – must carry automobile insurance under the proposed law.

Sebelius told reporters that passengers, pedestrians and those who take public transportation must have the new insurance coverage to pay for any accidents that may occur.

"If someone is walking on the sidewalk and they're hit by a car, the responsibility cannot lie solely with the car's driver. If the pedestrian wasn't there in the first place, they wouldn't have been hit," Sebelius said.

Holder also said the legislation would reduce lawsuits, because all accident victims would have their own insurance, and wouldn't need to resort to suing others....

A riddle for you!

MASTER of human destinies am I!
Fame, love, and fortune on my footsteps wait.
Cities and fields I walk; I penetrate
Deserts and seas remote, and passing by
Hovel and mart and palace — soon or late
I knock, unbidden, once at every gate!
If sleeping, wake — if feasting, rise before
I turn away. It is the hour of fate,
And they who follow me reach every state
Mortals desire, and conquer every foe
Save death; but those who doubt or hesitate,
Condemned to failure, penury, and woe,
Seek me in vain and uselessly implore.
I answer not, and I return no more!

(For the answer, click below)

OPPORTUNITY. A poem by John James Ingalls (1833-1900) [Link to info on Ingalls]

Good one...

It's hard to blog this close to the election. D-Day is at hand; the troops are moving; there's not much more to do but wait and pray.

But this is good for a laugh...

AHEAD STOP

Charlene and I really liked this XKCD...

Keynesian economics 101...

I liked this little story, posted by Doug Brady, at C4P....

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"

The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.

The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.

The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"

The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.

However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits.

Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations.You now understand the stimulus bill."

Ciao, baby..

This is pretty funny...

Pretty funny...

This is a spoof on the attack ads being run against Scott Brown in the Massachusetts Senate race...

You don't even need to ask the name...

Charlene's quote for the day, by Orrin Judd:

"She was so mad her expression nearly changed"

Happy New Year to all, from the Weidners!

You see them walking around... Zombies...

Thanks to my son Rob for this...

Too true...

Jay Nordlinger:

The general media reaction to the Ft. Hood massacre reminded me of an old joke. It's about modern American liberals. One reason I feel secure in telling it is that I learned it from a liberal — from the commentator Mark Shields, who told it on television many years ago.

Two liberals are walking down the road and they come to a person in the ditch. He has been beaten, and lies moaning, broken, bleeding. One liberal says to the other, "Quick, we have to find the people who did this: They need help."

Funny. And too true...

The New Yorker's Halloween cover... (click on the left-most image.)

Cult kids killing spree shocks Oz....

My daughter sent me this....

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."
-- Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"

Beyond worst of the worst...

Microsoft is—I kid you not—suggesting "Tupperware parties" to promote windows 7.

AND, urfff, they've created a pukey chirpy video to show you how!

AND, Cabel Sasser has made a wicked improved version. It's very funny, but ugh! How did I come to be living in such a train wreck of a world? So far from God, so close to Redmond. It's all too painful. If I ever use Windows please just shoot me.

Obama the post turtle...

(Thanks to a commenter at Fresh Bilge)

Obama the post turtle:

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.

'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there!'

Beyond tacky...

Jay Nordlinger - The Corner on National Review Online:

When I read that the crowd today booed President Bush -- and then saw a video of it -- I thought of a quip my friend Eddie made, not long ago: "When the Left asks for a classless society, now I know what they mean."

How many Progressives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

We had dinner with a crowd of liberals last night, which provided me with one moment of bliss. A guy told me, with great seriousness, that while the departure of Bush and Sarah Palin from the public scene was good for the country, it was going to be bad for comedians, who will not have anything to poke fun at anymore....

Old joke...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his GPS and replied, "You're are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault ."

Obama squirted with seltzer water...

Peter Robinson has a good article on what could be Mr Obama's big lack as a presidential candidate. A sense of humor....

...True, you could have argued that so far he hadn't needed much of a sense of humor. Hillary Clinton hadn't had them rolling in the aisles herself. That changed the following week, when the Republicans held their own convention. In an acceptance speech of just 3,000 words, Sarah Palin provided no fewer than six laughs--real belly laughs, each followed by thunderous applause--five of which came at Obama's expense.

Gov. Palin's performance undermined Sen. Obama in two ways. It made him appear prim and self-serious by comparison. And it thoroughly unnerved the man. "I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a 'community organizer,'" Palin told the GOP convention, contrasting her work when she was mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, with Obama's efforts on the south side of Chicago, "except that you have actual responsibilities." For several days afterward, Obama appeared dazed. "Community organizer," he kept insisting at campaign appearances, was so a real job. Even now, more than two weeks later, he has yet to employ humor effectively. Instead he has "sharpened his speeches," to quote the Associated Press, adding "bite." Obama can take a blow. What he can't take is a joke.

Sen. Obama's self-seriousness is understandable. At Columbia and Harvard, the faculty would have seen him, an exceptionally gifted African-American, as destined for great things. In Chicago, he would have been seen as destined for great things because he had attended Columbia and Harvard. What no one anywhere appears to have pointed out to him, however, is that humor itself is great thing....

Obama's problem is that humor is always conservative. Leftish thinking is based on the possibility of fixing this world. Making things OK, making the trains run on time. Making people happy.

We conservatives are sure those aren't possibilities. Not only will Utopia never be achieved, but if we even think we are within telescope-distance of the most minor sort of utopia (or just a veto-proof majority in the Senate) we are probably about to crash spectacularly and look like fools. And humans will never be happy or contented.

The old name for this is Original Sin. And even those who are not religious at all can understand it. (An atheist can be a conservative, but he really ought, out of simple justice, to admit to himself every half-hour or so that Irenaeus got this one right.) And it's funny as long as you don't expect perfection. We conservatives slip on a banana peel, and laugh at ourselves. Or at least admit that other people have a right to laugh.

But the liberal is the Grand Dame whose very body-language radiates, "That's NOT funny!" Whose elegant party is reduced to chaos by the Marx Brothers squirting bottles of seltzer.

And we saw it happen! Think of sober Mr Obama with his Greek temple and stadium full of fans and his not-quite-thrilling climactic moment. And then the next day John McCain grins and waves his cape, and poof! Presto! The anti-Obama! The most stupendous political reversal of our lifetimes. It was wacky! It was FUNNY. It's still funny.

Has ever a joke produced such a quantity of sputtering outrage from the fat ladies? From the straight men? We keep trying to analyze the Leftist responses to Palin, but really they all add up to, "How DARE they!"

The best joke of the year...

Mark Steyn, of course, sees the joke...

First, Governor Palin is not merely, as Jay describes her, "all-American", but hyper-American. What other country in the developed world produces beauty queens who hunt caribou and serve up a terrific moose stew? As an immigrant, I'm not saying I came to the United States purely to meet chicks like that, but it was certainly high on my list of priorities. And for the gun-totin' Miss Wasilla then to go on to become Governor while having five kids makes it an even more uniquely American story. Next to her resume, a guy who's done nothing but serve in the phony-baloney job of "community organizer" and write multiple autobiographies looks like just another creepily self-absorbed lifelong member of the full-time political class that infests every advanced democracy...

...Fourth, Governor Palin has what the British Labour Party politician Denis Healy likes to call a "hinterland" - a life beyond politics. Whenever Senator Obama attempts anything non-political (such as bowling), he comes over like a visiting dignitary to a foreign country getting shanghaied into some impenetrable local folk ritual. Sarah Palin isn't just on the right side of the issues intellectually. She won't need the usual stage-managed "hunting" trip to reassure gun owners: she's lived the Second Amendment all her life. Likewise, on abortion, we're often told it's easy to be against it in principle but what if you were a woman facing a difficult birth or a handicapped child? Been there, done that.

Fifth, she complicates all the laziest Democrat pieties. Energy? Unlike Biden and Obama, she's been to ANWR and, like most Alaskans, supports drilling there.

Sixth (see Kathleen's link to Craig Ferguson below), I kinda like the whole naughty librarian vibe.

This is the best joke of the year! Maybe the decade. Us intellectual conservatives have been debating about identity politics and leftist nihilism endlessly, without much success. Who reads boring arguments? And we have been thinking John McCain hasn't been really seeing things clearly enough for our taste. But the party-loving wise-cracking flyboy is wiser than we. And the pie in the face of the pompous fat lady---perfect.

Sarah is a joke that everyone can see at a glance. She is worth a thousand issues of National Review...

As I said in a comment to a previous post....

...In postmodern literary terms, what we are doing is subverting the narrative. The text we have presumes a hierarchical distinction of canonical forms whose dialectic cannot be resolved without inverting the bourgeois typos and collectively redefining and reifying the paradigm.

In other words, we are playing with your heads, you silly stuffed-shirts...

Mooseburgers!!!!

Humor theory...

Orrin Judd pins down the peculiarity of the New Yorker-cover kerfluffle...

It's probably useless trying to explain humor theory to people who acknowledge that their ideology forbids them to kid about the guy, but ask yourself a really basic question: what is it they were supposed to be satirizing?

In their derangement, the Left imagines this massive campaign to portray Senator Obama as a crypto-Muslim Medinian Candidate. And, indeed, there were a few hints to that effect from the Clinton camp, but they were more desultory than systematic and Republicans would rather attack from the playbook that always works: he's just a garden-variety Northern liberal. Why confuse the issue?

Effective satire requires an established and recognizable template that you can subtly play off of in order to show the humor inherent in the original. But for anyone outside the lunatic fringe--of both parties--this magazine cover is the original, the first time we've seen the accusations. Thus, it isn't satire but a statement.

Satirizing the perception of Obama as an elitist, or McCain as a loose cannon, works, because these perceptions of the person are really there to be satirized. Satirizing Obama-as-Muslim or Michelle-as-Angela-Davis, does not work, because there's no original to poke fun at. That's not the way us hateful right-wingers see them.

Rush Limbaugh made a joke recently, discussing the cover, and the Obama campaign's reaction, and concluding, "And who gets upset over cartoons? MUSLIMS!" It was a good joke, and funny precisely because no one is really worried about Obama being a Muslim.

Me, I think the Obamas are absurd because they are both white liberal elitists trying to be ghetto. Sort of like those hoodlem-esque rappers who get unmasked as having grown up in suburban comfort. And the same goes double for the fans. Supporting Barackmo is about as meaningful and "authentic" as a "Free Tibet" bumpersticker on a Volvo.

I needed a good laugh...

[link] Movie rental house Blockbuster has made an unsolicited takeover bid for struggling electronics retailer Circuit City, a move that aims to combine the stores of both companies into "a game-changing retail concept" akin to Apple Inc.'s widely successful international retail operation...

You can just smell the synergy crackling and smoking!

And to really make a man giggle...

...Blockbuster isn't the only technology player looking to replicate the success of Apple's retail business. Last week it was reported the Microsoft is also mulling the prospect of opening a self-branded chain of retail stores to promote its Windows franchise...

"Microsoft" What a concept!

Another day, another ducat....

Charlene was working—lawyering, you know—in a Hispanic neighborhood today, and saw a car with a couple of bumper stickers...

JESUS SALVE

and

Drugs: NO
Drink: NO
Burritos: YES!

(She spent a tedious day inspecting apartments in a matter of lawsuits over habitability. She said her one good moment was when she saw a stuffed dog hanging from a ceiling, and said, "Perro piñata!")

"To walk around the edge of the Mandelbrot set in finite time"

From Lexicon of Computing. (Thanks to Pixy Misa)

FRACTAL WRONGNESS:

The state of being wrong at every conceivable scale of resolution. That is, from a distance, a fractally wrong person's worldview is incorrect; and furthermore, if you zoom in on any small part of that person's worldview, that part is just as wrong as the whole worldview.

Debating with a person who is fractally wrong leads to infinite regress, as every refutation you make of that person's opinions will lead to a rejoinder, full of half-truths, leaps of logic, and outright lies, that requires just as much refutation to debunk as the first one. It is as impossible to convince a fractally wrong person of anything as it is to walk around the edge of the Mandelbrot set in finite time.

If you ever get embroiled in a discussion with a fractally wrong person on the Internet--in mailing lists, newsgroups, or website forums--your best bet is to say your piece once and ignore any replies, thus saving yourself time.

Yeah, and also in blog comments...

Si, se puede!

This makes a lot of sense...(By Scott Ott)

(2008-02-19) — As Cuban President Fidel Castro announced today he would end his half-century of totalitarian rule, sources close to Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama tried to tamp down speculation that they were on “the short list” of potential replacements for the ailing Communist dictator.

Rumors in Cuba carry the currency of mainstream media coverage in the U.S., and many Castro-supporters are eager to find new leadership that combines Castro-like charisma with iron-fisted leadership tactics and revolutionary support for government-run health care, education and industry.

“A Clinton-Obama ticket,” said one unnamed Cuba scholar, “combines the power and the glory that was Fidel Castro, with the unshakable commitment to collectivism, controlled economies, and virulent resistance to the United States as a superpower.”...

Either one would be a good fit for the job...

I mean, the Mahdi's due any day, right?

Dr Weevil writes:

Barack Obama’s weirdly Messianic campaign could conceivably turn out to be useful in the War on Terror. Why not start a rumor that he’s the Twelfth Imam? That should freak out Ahmadinejad and his millennarian terrorist buddies. How better to be a ‘Hidden’ Imam than to arrange to be born in Hawaii, insist that you are not a Muslim, and run for presidency of the Great Satan? An imam can’t get much more hidden than that...

I like it a lot. I'd guess our intelligence agencies are not up to this, but maybe the Brits or the Israelis could do it.

"So cheer thee well, thynges could be wors"

Iowahawk is the poet of our age. If you haven't read his latter-day Canterbury Tales, Heere Bigynneth the Tale of the Asse-Hatte, do so right away...

...61 Then bespake the Po-Mo artist,
62 "My last skulptyure was hailed as smartest
63 Bye sondry criticks at the Tate
64 Whom called it genius, brillyant, greate
65 A Jesus skulpted out of dunge
66 Earned four starres in the Guardian;
67 But now the same schtick withe Mo-ha-med
68 Has earned a bountye on my hed."
69 Sayed the Bishop, "that's quyte impressyve
70 To crafte a Jesus so transgressyve
71 But to do so with the Muslim Prophet
72 Doomed thy neck to lose whats off it.
73 Thou should have showen mor chivalrie
74 In committynge such a blasphemie."
75 And so it went, the pilgryms all
76 Complaynynge of the Muslim thrall;
77 To eaches same the Bishop lectured
78 About the cultur fabrick textured
79 With rainbow threyds from everie nation
80 With rainbow laws for all situations.
81 "But Father Rowan, we bathyr nae one
82 We onlye want to hav our funne!"
83 "But the Musselman is sure to see
84 Thy funne as Western hegemony.
85 'Tis not Cristian for Cristians to cause
86 The Moor to live by Cristendom's laws
87 Whan he has hise sovereyn culture
88 Crist bade us put ours in sepulture.
89 To be divyne we must first be diverse
90 So cheer thee well, thynges could be wors
91 Sharia is Englishe as tea and scones,
92 So everybody muste get stoned."
93 The pilgryms shuffled for the door
94 To face the rule of the Moor;
95 Poets, Professors, Starbucks workers
96 Donning turbans, veils and burqqas.
97 As they face theyr fynal curtan
98 Of Englande folk, one thynge is certan:
99 Dying by theyr own thousande cuts,
100 The Englande folk are folking nuts.
101 BURMA SHAVE

Less offensive term...

Charlene noticed this at Gates of Vienna:

(BTW, I prefer the term “single-use activist” over “suicide bomber”. But that’s another story :)

An old joke, but one that's been apposite for thousands of years...

I was really angered by this piece, by a fake-pacifist, about how Jews are being obnoxious by not "moving on" from the Holocaust, and how Israel is causing all its own problems by defending itself with weapons instead of "befriending its enemies." With, of course, not the slightest criticism of Moslems, or suggestion that they befriend anybody, or do anything positive.

I was going to fisk it, but really, it's hopeless to reason with this kind of dirt. So I'll just post an old joke:

You've all heard about the Romans used to feed Christians to lions in the arena. But you may not know that they also did so to Jews. With one difference; the Jews were always buried up to their necks first!

One time, when this was happening, a lion stepped over one of the Jews. The Jew stretched his head up and managed to bite the lion on the balls.

With one motion the entire arena full of Romans stood up and screamed, "Fight fair, Jew!"

Update: I just remembered another one of these things, from years ago, but still aggravating to me. For a while Israel was discouraging Palestinian suicide bombers by bulldozing the houses of their families. And it worked! Violence dropped off. For a while at least, until the killers started concealing the identities of the bombers.

and that was the occasion for another fake-pacifist to heap harsh criticism on the Jews, for supposedly violating Jewish morality. Ohhh-kay. The Palestinians wrap dynamite with nails and ball-bearings, and shred whole pizza-parlors full of women and children. Then the Israelis respond with tactics that do not kill or injure a single human being. And THEY are the ones who have violated moral laws? And it's a "pacifist" who objects? Is it any wonder I call them fakes?

Hocine tibi habeas iocum?

My older son is starting Latin (and also Arabic) and sent me some Latin jokes...

Latin is a dead language,
As dead as it can be,
First it killed the Romans,
And now it's killing me.

And another one. For this one the word "ubi" means "where." This one is a play on English/Latin words:

Semper ubi,
Sub ubi.

So here's one for him, if he happens to read this post:

"What'll it be?" asked the bartender.

"A martinus," said the professor.

"Don't you mean martini?"

"If I wanted more than one I'd ask for more than one."

[link]

Too too rich!

from the Daily Mail...

If he didn't believe in karma before, Piers Morgan must surely do now.

The ex-newspaper editor, now a columnist for The Mail on Sunday's Live magazine, took great delight in making fun of President Bush for falling off a Segway - the two-wheeled, motorised, gyroscopically balanced scooter that, its makers promise, will never fall over.

His paper, the Daily Mirror, ran the headline in 2003: "You'd have to be an idiot to fall off, wouldn't you Mr President." It added: "If anyone can make a pig's ear of riding a sophisticated, self-balancing machine like this, Dubya can." So, it seems, can Mr Morgan.

Scroll to the bottom of the page to watch our exclusive video of Piers's fall....

Today's morsel...

The Anchoress, on BDS:

...Perils of Global Warming and How We’re All Going to Die Because Bush Killed Kyoto Even Though Clinton, In 1997, Did Not Even Submit The Treaty To Congress (Which Made A Point Of Unanimously Rejecting It Anyway) Because It Was Smart of Clinton To Reject It But Stoopit of Moron Bush To Kill It And Al Gore Deserves An Oscar And America Is Suffering And Disappearing Because of Evil Bush Who Is Bad And Evil And Who Makes Wars Against Peaceful People And There Is No Threat Of Islamofascism, There Is Only A Threat Of Christofascism And Other Conservative Sorts Of Fascists Things....

Do you think this guy could be serious?

There are certainly plenty of brittle liberals who are this loopy. But it reads like a parody or a jape...Or what's that contest where you try to write the worst possible?...oh yeah, the Bulwer-Lytton Contest.

From Mark Morford in the SF Chronicle....

...Because now perhaps you are reading up on the rise and fall and much-desirable end of this one particular man, this dank, sweaty, adipose embodiment of a sad political caricature, this shockingly powerful force of darkness and cruelty and pure, unfiltered iniquity known to the world as Karl Rove.

And somehow, looking at him, seeing the glistening, pallid face of true contempt as he finally, blessedly exits the main political stage, you feel better. Much, much better. In fact, somehow you feel like falling to your knees and offering sincere thanks, hot heaps of glorious gratitude to the gods of fate and time and love that you are not Karl Rove.

It is, in its way, a simple acknowledgment, a supremely fundamental idea. But trust me when I say, it holds tremendous power.

You are not Karl Rove. You are not, so far as you know, the master orchestrator of what is increasingly recognized as the most disastrous, divisive, scandal-ridden, secretive, abusive, warmongering, hate-inspiring, homophobic, morally debilitating neoconservative administration in modern American history.

This is not you. This is not your life. You did not put into power the most embarrassing, bumbling, ethically dangerous leader the modern free world has ever known, and that includes Dick Nixon and Warren Harding and that guy from the 1800s who beat his kids and drank paint thinner and died after two weeks in office....

— — — — —

...But in this case, let us just say, no. Because this is the here and now. This is the moment we are in and this is the one that matters and it is just too delightful to repeat: You are not Karl Rove and I am not Karl Rove and therefore we can join hands right now, you and I, we can connect across this vast media chasm and via these very wires and we can, together, find a deeper understanding, a shared universal truth, a more profound coming together over the fact that, no matter how bad things might get, we will never have to be Karl Rove.

Hey, what's more karmically delightful than that?

I've often dreamed of writing parodies like this, but I'm just not talented enough. Karl Rove, a "force of darkness and cruelty and pure, unfiltered iniquity."

Good answer...

Naomi Wolf says: "America is turning into a fascist society."

Kathy Shaidle: "Then why aren't you a lampshade?"

Losers...

There are times that present us with people and events that just beg for derision, and derisionist Scott Ott is on a roll right now...

Reid Supports the Troops Who Lost the War

by Scott Ott
(2007-04-20) — Attempting to clarify yesterday’s statement that the war in Iraq is “lost“, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said today that he “supports the troops who lost the war.”

In an audiotape recorded from an undisclosed location and released through Al-Jazeera TV, Sen. Reid said, “The troops who lost the war should hold their heads high, because not everyone can be a winner, and they gave it a good try.”

CIA analysis of the tape indicates the voice is “almost certainly” Sen. Reid’s and that references to recent events show that the Democrat leader may still be at large, in good health and “substantially in charge” of his network of Democrat senators.

On the tape, Sen. Reid also said, “It’s not the fault of our troops that they represent an evil regime, or that they wear the uniform of the nation viewed by many as ‘the Great Satan.’”

The Nevada Democrat said he looks forward to welcoming the troops home, so that many of them can “lay down their weapons and return to the world of decent and honorable work.”

Johnny Hart

Michelle has a fine tribute to cartoonist Johnny Hart, who died on Sunday. It was too too appropriate; a great cartoonist and Christian dies on Easter Sunday—at the drawing board!

Hart's comics were part of my normal life for so long that it's hard to realize how original and good he was. Mine, and many peoples favorite:

I'm probably not going to become poster of videos, it's not my style. But...

The end is nigh...you need to memorize this stuff...

I got this from David Schütz ...

OK, you know that 666 is the Number of the Beast, but did you know that:

660 ....Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI ...Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 ...Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 ....Number of the Millibeast
/666 ...Beast Common Denominator
1010011010 ....Binary of the Beast
1-666+ ....Area code of the Beast
00666 ....Postcode of the Beast
1800-666-666 ....Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 ....Retail price of the Beast
$732.66 .... Price of the Beast plus GST
$799.95 ....Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 ....Kmart price of the Beast
Route 666 ...Way of the Beast (I can't Ozzi-fy this one!)
666 deg C ....Oven temperature for roast Beast
666mg .... Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Netscape 6.66 ....BetaBrowser of the Beast
i66686 ....CPU of the Beast
666I ....BMW of the Beast
668 ....Next-door neighbour of the Beast

Schütz is an Catholic Australian blogger. I just realized that I've been following his adventures with great interest for a while now, without having any occasion to quote him or leave a comment. It's like a sort of weird one-sided friendship; if I met him on the street I could start talking to him about his life and family like a pal, but he doesn't know I exist. Sometimes I get comments or e-mails from people who write, "I've been reading you for years, but never commented before..."

emergent design...

This made me laugh. It's from a blog, the (fake) Secret Diary of Steve Jobs. Here is Steve explaining why the long-rumored Apple iPhone has not appeared....

...Anyhoo, once we've got the ad campaign, then we get to work on the product. But we don't start with the actual technology. We start with design. Again, different. Jon Ive will bring me, say, fifteen iPhone prototypes. These are all beautiful phones, better than all of the phones on the market today. But you know what? For Apple they're not good enough. Not even close. I take them into my meditation room and just look at them. I go into a kind of trance. And here's the key part: I don't think about them. I don't think about anything. Not so easy to do, to think about nothing. Try it and see. But after years of practice I can empty my head and get into this non-thinking state in about fifteen minutes. I'll spend a few hours just sitting there, non-thinking about the fifteen prototypes, and gradually, very gradually, I begin to become aware that one is emerging from the others as the best of the bunch. When that happens I'm done. (And I'm usually so exhausted that I just go home and sleep.)

I'll send the "emergent design," as we call it, back to Jon Ive and tell him to start all over, making a hundred or so new prototypes that branch off from this one. From those hundred they will winnow down the pool, relying on their own meetings (which can get quite heated, believe me) plus some contributions from consultants that we bring in to check out things like the feng shui, emotional balance, interior and exterior harmony, and so forth. When they've got another batch of fifteen "winners" they bring them to me, and I return to the meditation room once again and empty my mind and choose the next "emergent" design....

For The Glorious 7th Of December...

From Strategypage, how the headlines might read if today's fake-journalists were covering WWII. (Thanks to Rand)

NAVY, WHITE HOUSE LIED ABOUT BATTLESHIPS
5, Not 2, Sunk at Pearl Harbor

HUNDREDS OF SAILORS STILL TRAPPED UNDERWATER
Victims' Families: Pearl Rescue Efforts "Disgraceful"

FDR DUMPS MACARTHUR FOR CHURCHILL
"Writing Off" Philippines, Sources Say

SECRET PAYMENT TO MACARTHUR
$500,000 from Manila Bigwigs

MIDWAY VICTORY DUE TO BROKEN JAP CODES
The Chicago Tribune did actually print this story. Fortunately, the Japanese didn't see it. Tribune owner Robert McCormick was sternly told never to let this happen again, and it never did.

FDR PLANS NORTH AFRICA INVASION
Critics Charge "Stunt" To Help Dems in '42 Elections

NORMANDY "IDEAL" INVASION SITE
Military Experts Agree This Is Where We'll Land....

...WHISTLEBLOWER REVEALS SUPERBOMB PLANS
Catholic Bishops Condemn Secret "Manhattan Project"

IKE ENRAGED
Monty to Be Fired in SHAEF Meltdown
British papers which did report, inaccurately, tensions between Ike and Monty, were stepped on hard by the British government.

"NO DEFENSE" AGAINST KAMIKAZES
Experts: Suicide Tactics May Be War-Winner – Fleet Demoralized

IWO JIMA FLAG RAISING "STAGED"
Bond Drive Collapses After Controversy

BURN BABY BURN
B-29 Crews Laugh, Take Photos as Thousands of Children Die

ATOM BOMB DROPPED TO COW SOVIETS
Sources Say Hiroshima Strike Had No Military Purpose

"it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin..."

A friend who is a loan-broker sent this to us (I'd guess somebody just made this up, but it's funny)...

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?"

If you need a laugh...

...check out James Lileks imitating Andrew Sullivan while being interviewed by Hugh Hewitt. (The actual interview with Sullivan is here. Hugh's column on it is here.)

Perfect. Just perfect....

Time for change...

I found this over at BrothersJuddBlog. It's too good not to post myself...

The Allied Invasion Of Sicily--Was It A War Crime?

Did you know the BBC had a web site in 1943? You can see it here...

(Thanks to Rand)

Labor Day...

Conceptual artist...

PowerLine had this good one today. They were unclear about whose work it is; I'll add credit later if possible...

Update: It's by Australian John Spooner. Thanks, Andrea.

Come away with me, Lucille, In my merry Oldsmobile...

Our friend Dave sent this...

"Cuban dictator Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition. Castro said that a half century of Communist rule seemed like a good idea right up until the point he was rushed to the hospital in a '55 Oldsmobile."
   ---Conan O'Brien

shopping...

Now here are some useful amazon.com reviews!

Thanks to Rob.

unwarranted surveillance

An excerpt, from JunkYardBlog...

NY Times: U.S. Soldier spying on bin Laden
NY Times Special Report, By B. Arnold

WAZIRISTAN—An American soldier, clinging to a cliff face littered with broken shale and animal bones in Waziristan, northwest Pakistan, is currently engaging in direct, unwarranted surveillance of Osama bin Laden, confidential sources have revealed to the New York Times.

The soldier’s conduct raises questions about the Bush administration’s policy of covert surveillance and intelligence gathering in support of his “War on Terror”. Constitutional experts are “troubled” by this and similar unwarranted searches that are designed to gather information on terrorists, but may reveal private information about American citizens instead.

“If there was an American citizen down there sunbathing in that Waziristan village next door to where bin Laden is conferring with his top lieutenants, then the Defense Department would now be passing around her photos,” said Cass Sunstein, a law professor.

Mr. bin Laden, who could not be reached for this interview, is a Saudi-born spiritual leader who, some say, was connected with the attacks on the World Trade Center on Sept. 11, 2001. The attack killed nearly 3000 people, many of them women and minorities. He is currently meeting with twelve lieutenants to discuss a worldwide spiritual initiative set to take place in Jakarta, Addis Ababa, Melbourne, and Houston, Texas on July 11th.

Observing the heavily guarded meeting from about fifty yards away is Lt. Thomas “Turk” Dobrovsky, of Houston. Crouched in a camouflaged “ghillie suit”, Dobrovsky adjusted a concealed antenna in an effort to record snatches of Arabic conversation in the mud meeting hall below. He is partially concealed by a rock outcropping, the one with the two scraggly bushes, but is awkwardly positioned and unable to defend himself. A burst of AK fire or an RPG from the guards below could kill him easily.....

x

Groaner....

This was passed to us by our friend Mr Effross....

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (invariably it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the strange fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."......... .
.
.
.
.
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

Fabulous...

Click here to see the opening credits of The Simpsons...performed live!

Straussians and Moloch-worshippers...

I meant to blog this article a month ago. It's very funny. I Am Not a Straussian. At least, I Don't Think I Am. By Robert Kagan

I JUST WANT TO MAKE clear that I am not a Straussian. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some of my closest friends are Straussians, and I have long admired the work of Allan Bloom, Harry Jaffa, Harvey Mansfield, and Thomas Pangle--though not, I must say, Leo Strauss himself, since I have never understood a word the political philosopher wrote. I mean not a single word. Nor have I been very good at understanding his disciples, really, and Pangle, from whom I once took two courses, can back me up on this.

I feel the need to set the record straight because I am routinely called a Straussian by students of what is known as neoconservatism, and at the very least this is an insult to true Straussians, who presumably do understand what they're talking about. There isn't room here to list all the places where I have been called a Straussian--a Google search for "Robert Kagan" and "Leo Strauss" turns up 16,500 hits. Suffice to say that the immensely erudite Arthur Schlesinger Jr. has referred to me as a "student" of Strauss and Bloom, as has the columnist William Pfaff, and a half dozen other equally learned folk. A professor somewhere named Anne Norton has written a whole book assuming that I am a Straussian. You may ask why didn't she call me, just to confirm. But that would have been journalism, not scholarship. Then there are the followers of Lyndon LaRouche (see their "Children of Satan" pamphlets), left-wing and right-wing bloggers, as well as Arab, Asian, African, and, of course, European journalists and academics.....

The whole business of demonizing "Straussians" has always been really stupid, but hey...if people go around liberating the oppressed and spreading democracy, they gotta expect to take some flak.

Thanks for the reminding me about Kagan's article to another funny guy, Catholic blogger Jimmy Akin, who recently wrote, in response to someone's question about the morality of watching trashy television:

....It does not matter if you see (or hear or read about) someone doing something immoral as long as you are not tempted to do something immoral as a result.

For example: The Bible recounts stories in which it mentions people who burn their children to the pagan god Moloch.

Now: If you are a recovering Moloch-worshipper and could be tempted to burn your children to Moloch if you read those passages then you should not read them.

But if you are not a recovering Moloch-worshipper--if you are a person with a normal, non-Moloch-worshipping background--then you are very, very, very unlikely to be tempted to burn your children to Moloch (or anybody else) by reading such passages. As a result, they are safe for you. In fact, such passages are likely to actually strengthen your resolve not to be a Moloch-worshipper because of the fact that Moloch-worshippers do disgusting things like burn their children to him.

Same principle goes for everything else: If it tempts you such that you are likely to sin then you should avoid it. If it doesn't, then it's not a problem.....

The enemy of my anemone is my...

My daughter pressed this upon me--I think it's hilarious...

Maybe everybody already knows this guy, Steven Pastis, and in my isolated life I'm the last to discover him...He has several books and a calendar.

You can see his work here

Update: Charlene pointed me to these strips, by Pastis, on the Intifada. Not funny. Awesome...

Time for bed...

I actually made a genuinely funny joke tonight. (Usually I think of the funny remark the next day.) Charlene and I were talking about St Martin de Porres, OP, whose statue we had noticed after Lessons and Carols tonight. Charlene said, "He was 'Blessed' when I was young. But once they get to Blessed they almost always become Saints." And I replied, "It's the Peter Principle."

The Gizzard of Oz...

Dr Weevil links to a contest in Australia to find a new name for kangaroo meat, and suggests:

...Hmmm . . . . Australia was founded by or for British criminals. Given the proverbial thievishness of the Welsh (“Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief”) and the name of New South Wales, many of them were presumably Welsh. Kangaroos are herbivorous creatures known for their jumping. They’re also overabundant in Australia, which suggests that they spend way a fair amount of their time reproducing. I’ve got it! How about “Welsh rabbit”? Too bad that name’s already taken. Back to the drawing board . . . . Oz Rabbit? Pouch Rabbit? Ozzy Bunny? Big Bunny? Superbunny? (According to the Wall Street Journal, a restaurant in Shanghai that specializes in rat dishes calls itself “Super Deer”.) Something along those lines might do. Then again, perhaps they should just appeal to the macho element of the population and imply that only real men eat kangaroo....

Outback Veal? The Other Other White Meat? Cloncurry Chops? Nullarbor Nuggets? Darwinian Beef?

today's joke

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

None. Each light-bulb holds the seeds of its own revolution

Very funny

An old punning poem...

At a tavern one night,
Messrs More, Strange, and Wright
Met to drink and their good thoughts exchange.
Says More, "Of us three,
The whole will agree,
There's only one knave, and that's Strange."

"Yes," says Strange, rather sore,
"I'm sure there's one More,
A most terrible knave, and a bite,
Who cheated his mother,
His sister, and brother."
"Oh yes," replied More, "that is Wright."'

Your petroleum...hand it over...

Patrick Ruffini is having a Darth-Vader-as-Republican photoshop contest. I like this one, that Patrick did himself. there's a larger version that shows the details better, such as the picture of Hugh Hewitt on Vader's chest...

One has to put up with so much pathetic Bush-is-Hitler whimpering; might as well laugh at it....

''We're an empire now, Luke, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you're studying that reality -- judiciously, as you will -- we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out.... Bwahahahahaha..."
--Darth Bolton

Update: Why do we bother? How can you satirize people who are already living breathing caricatures?

...The liberal advocacy group Moveon.org was preparing to spend $150,000 to run advertisements on CNN over the next few days - and to spread leaflets among audiences in line at multiplexes - comparing Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, the majority leader, to the movie's power-grabbing, evil Chancellor Palpatine, for Dr. Frist's role in the Senate's showdown over the confirmation of federal judges...[link]

Arabs plant potatoes?

My daughter would like to share with you this joke:

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."

"the 'tune-in, turn-on, chug-up' ethos of the Pabst Blue Ribbon underground..."

Iowahawk is hilarious on the spread of a strange self-destructive new subculture among the teenagers of NPR America...

...Jane Michelson is not alone in her story. Throughout coastal America, school adminstrators and parents are reporting an alarming surge in 'Cracker' cliques on campus. Also known as 'Y'alls' or 'Neckies,' officials say the groups thrive by attracting outcasts and misfits from the student body.

"We try hard to engage all of our students in fun, healthy activities like Progressive Eco-Action March and Rage Against Intolerance Week," says Lawrence DiBenedetto of Patrice Lumumba Magnet School in Cambridge, Massachusetts. "Unfortunately, there are going to be those who fall through the cracks, into a life of bass fishing and stockcar racing."

It appears those cracks are widening. In one recent three-week period, fourteen high school students in Portland, Oregon were suspended for distributing pork rinds; a Burlington, Vermont high school was briefly closed for decontamination after janitors found a bible hidden in a restroom; and forty-six undergraduate coeds at Swarthmore were expelled for staging clandestine Mary Kay cosmetics parties...

A couple of other good lines:

...McCormack says that Rain's erratic behavior would also come to include excessive politeness and deference...."Everytime I tried to talk to him it was 'yes Momma,' and 'no Momma,' when he knows damn well my name is Ellen," she says, anger rising in her voice. "It was like I didn't even know him anymore."...

..."We are people of faith who keep the sabbath," says Sandy, a curator in the Dada collection of the Museum of Modern Art. "Even when she was a toddler,  we made sure Emily got up early every Sunday morning to read the New York Times Book Review. Sunday morning was our time, until..."

Important reminder...

Our friend Brad writes:

Please remember that, because of the high turnout expected at the polls this year, Republicans will be voting on Tuesday, November 2nd, and Democrats will be voting on Wednesday, November 3rd.

Be sure to remind all your friends...

Ghirardelli bunker-buster....whooo ha!

Mrs P amused Charlene immensely with her proposed menus for Election Eve parties:

...As a Kerry presidency would be slippery and oily, eel stewed in it's own juices for the maincourse seems appropriate. Skate would work nicely too. Gull's eggs for an appetizer would be extravagant and reflect Mr. Kerry's own tastes. Should the salad be a composed one, just tossed with pansies and other edible flowers or a wedge of iceberg with french dressing?...

A Bush menu is much easier. Chilled Absolut straight up for starters. Smoked salmon on toast for an appetizer. A chopped salad. Beef Wellington with roasted root vegetables. And a chocolate bomb for dessert. Cigars and brandy even for the ladies...

Ping Pong Matrix

This video of a ping-pong match is worth watching. Just in case you are feeling stuck-in-a-rut, and...well, just try it.

(Thanks to The Corner)

Microsoft announces an addition to their product line...

I love this...A new product from Microsoft, MS FORGER!

...Output machine selection - Select from a variety of emulators for everything from manual typewriters, IBM Selectrics, early model word processors such as Wang and many others.

Font selection - Once you have selected the machine type, font selection is limited to only those fonts actually available for that machine. No longer will you make stupid mistakes like selecting Times New Roman for memorandum that were suppose to be typed on a IBM Selectric....

...Copy machine emulation - Before you print out your document you can have it automatically appear to have been run through a copy or fax machine multiple times. Lettering will look aged and blurred with random specks according to our specialized algorithm.

some of this does sound familiar...

You know you're living in 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

My daughter told me this joke...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take zee sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible! The chief is appalled, and asks, "What in the world are you doing?" The New Yorker says, "So much for your stupid canoe!"

Kerry should be encouraged...

I think AOG is correct here:

I normally like Best of the Web but the last couple of days has had the very weak trope of mocking Senator John Kerry for saying that (among other things) he and John Edwards deserved to be elected because they have better hair. I can’t stand Kerry but even I thought it was funny. It’s the kind of self-deprecating humour Reagan was so good at and it would probably do everyone some good to encourage Kerry in this instead of dumping on him. Given how excrutiating this campaign season is likely to be, every little bit helps.

The humor in Best of the Web tends to remind me of children's humor (which I hear a lot of). If something's funny once, it's funny when repeated 20 times.

Tiger Claw beats Paper...

If you haven't seen this dude Saddam playing Rock-Paper-Sissors, take a look,. It's hysterical. (Thanks to Omar.)

Danger: Vegetarian Piranhas

Here's a site full of Photoshopped realistic images of Gary Larson cartoons. Quite amusing...

Tell him a joke on Saturday, and he'll laugh in church...

Our friend Dave wrote this post in January, and I just now noticed the joke of the title...

Compassion for Mordor

This is written tongue-in-cheek, but gets Jimmy Carter perfectly. He never met a dictator he didn't like, so....

... "The stakes are enormous," the distinguished former president said with great emotion. "If enough people start thinking in terms of good and evil, all our years of cultivating moral and cultural relativism, anti-military thinking, pacifism and internationalism will be jeopardized. And college students, our greatest hope, may no longer accept their professors' view of America as an imperialist war monger."

�At the conclusion of the interview, Mr. Carter was asked if his campaign against "Lord of the Rings" had a name. The peace activist thought for a moment, and replied, "Compassion for Mordor."

Saddam and the big-collar shirt...

This, by our friend Steve, is wierdly funny....

Cashes in on sudden fame...

this made me laugh...

today's joke...

Q; What do you get when you toss a grenade into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum blown-apart.

Too hot for serious stuff ...

I had some serious, thoughtful things in mind to blog. Hey, maybe even profound. But it's a scorcher today, and I'm kinda just melting. So instead, here's a joke my daughter found....

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

1- The bartender is a blonde woman.

2- The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

4- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and

5- I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says:

"Naaaah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Thanks Dave, I needed something funny ...

Sexist, racist, ageist, and now...classicist??

Al-Qaida Claims Responsibility For Paper Cut

Curveball reports:

...In the memo to Al Jazeera, an unidentified al-Qaida operative detailed the reasons why the group targeted Mr. Scanlon.

"To strike fear into the heart of America, we have made an example of your countryman Fred Scanlon of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Fred Scanlon is the son of monkeys and pigs! We have it on good authority that while on vacation in Toronto this summer he was overheard saying, 'Why don't we try that place across the street instead, honey, I don't really like Middle Eastern food.' This statement is a typical example of American arrogance and culinary imperialism!

"Has Fred Scanlon ever tried Fakhitha Bel Laban, which is roasted lamb with yogurt? It is delicious! Or how about Fattoush? How can he say he doesn't like Middle Eastern food when he has tried it only once -- ...

Netscape, too, has gone ...

Tobacco Road Fogey points me to more Haiku Error Messages, including

To have no errors
would be life without meaning.
No struggle, no joy.

The ten thousand things.
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone

Rather than a beep
or a rude error message,
these words: "File not found

Seeing my great fault
through darkening blue windows,
I begin again